don't

I just don't even want to get into it right now.....


i really just don't...

hold on tight

I'm not exactly sure what to type. For some reason things are really touchy with me right now. My mother is making me feel like shit. I don't know where to even begin. I'm just tired of alot of things. I feel i'm not doing much with my life. Like I need to be doing more. Making more art. I think this but I never really do anything about it. I think the thing that I'm most sick about is my health stuff. I always have pain going on. It really sucks. Like to the point where I can't even describe it. Right now im just stairing at my blank walls wondering, hoping that I become someone I remotely like. I want to like who I am as a person. Its hard living your life annoyed with yourself. where should we be from now? I don't even know. This is where I am and this is where I've been.....with myself. Not liking who I am. I mean don't get me wrong. I really appreciate the people that love me. Especailly Nick. He really is the reason I smile. I know this is probably really emo. I don't mean to be. I'm just thinking right now. If the people I love are reading this...I just want to say this isn't' about you. You mean the world to me! And I wouldn't ever change a thing with any of you. Especially Lucy and Nick. You two are my life. I love you more than words could ever describe and mean....the way I feel about you are too depthful. It's too strong to ever try to explain....ecpecially you nick.


Anyway I was watching these tapes that I found yesturday...from 7th grade. I was pretty god damn ugly. I don't really know how I lived with myself....looking the way I did. Ehhh then again i will probably say the same thing in a couple of years when i see tapes of me now.

here I am....looking for something I've never seen.....i'm not really sure

eh...

I think I'm going to be sick


the end

Family

Its funny how I don't really have a family. After my aunts death everyone kinda split apart. I miss my family. I was going on myspace and found my cousin that adored back on the day. He use to be so grounded and an amazing human being. I find it very breath taking looking at his page. How he's slowly done down the drain becuase of his mothers death. We've tried to keep in contact with him and his cousins but I guess they don't want anything to do with us. Which makes me sad. I wish i had big family thanks givings. Just big family events in genoural. Man I miss all my cousins. If only it hadn't gone down the way it did..... I just don't understand how you can turn you back on blood relatives. I mean in some cultures believe that family is the most important thing in the world and when you turn your back on them you have nothing. Maybe they just have nnothing now. One day they might realize that.


sdka;sdkja;kd;akdaslkd;aklad.............

I have no clue

I'm happy but really freaked out.

I mean I had a really good night with my sweetie but i'm mean....One of my best friends got hit by a car. Thats a really life turner. I don't even know what to think or what to say. I'm kinda a lose of words..you know?

*sigh*

Fuck...I really don't know.

Man....i hate being on the verge of independence....17 is just tuff. I wish Nick didn't have to leave. He really comforts me.

I'm off the wall right now. I JUST HAVE NO CLUE AT THE MOMENT......

zing...

would you take my candlelight away from me???

creeps

Wow...so i'm really starting to feel like nick is part of my family and i'm apart of his. It's a really good feeling. That we're all coming together as one in some sence. Right now i'm tired and alittle bit weirded out. I found out my CREEPY step uncle is coming to stay with us......lets just say....not good memories.....I really don't like him. Well, maybe it will be alright. I'm also bummed because I have to finish my work...its still not done. It just never fuking ends. Its weird....i'm going through i'm not going to make it in life stage...once again...I feel i'm not talented enough for colleges to want me. One of the thing I really want right now is to get into Emily Carr Art Inst. in vancouver. I want that to a scary extent. I really hape I get in...i really....just hope....

Hopeing is sometimes hopeless though. My goal this summer is to start working hard and be proud of well....??? Myself???? hmmmm could that be possible????

bitter or sweet?

I started new antibiotics.....it really sucks beucase i'm sick once again. All these health problems creat alot of weights on my sholdiers.....but everything else is ok....its all good.....idunno...calm....but not for long

work...rambles...rambling..

so everything feels content. Today nick and I are going to work doing Birdie Bread....ehhhh well atleast we'll get some money. I can't wait to see him. I really miss him alot!!! uughhhh......at the same time i feel down today......ehhh i don't want to feel down. I hate feeling down. Its another slow day....i have those lot....it sucks....Its only when i'm alone and not seeing anyone.........jkdsjfslkjfksl! ehhh. I want to be up and smiling!!! SMILE GOD DAMNIT!!1 fffuuucccckk. I know i'll smile when I see nick...i know i will. He got his ears peirced yesturday. They look SSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!!!!! so hot. *sigh* sooooo hot. Ok...i'll stop. I wish he could see that they look really good on him. Speaking of peircings and i want another one. AHHH really badly. Ahhh i'm going to get one soon!!!!!!! i don't care! i'm going to! fffuuuccckk. I'm also really really bored. to the point that I do't have anything really to talk about. I miss my boe boe....so at this moment i'm probably going to type random things and not make any sense. I'm worried. Nick's getting his hair cut today...ahhh. But he always looks hot. I wish he could realize that. It makes me sad. He's SOOO fucking attractive. To the point where its not fair. Hahaha like i've said before, Hes the pretty one the in the relationship. hahahhahaha its true. i know this sounds really lame but he's sooo good looking and who he is as a person makes him a billion times more attractive. Which adds up to well.....hahaha one of natures favorite ones. Oh man....i want him here with me right now. I also hella miss lucy. We ponded in Hawaii...which is weird because i didn't think we could become closer than we already were. I found a whole different level to her. I love her so much. She is suh an amazing human being....uuughhh
i'm done....

over and out.
hahahahaha

everything is alright

I'm very happy. Hawaii was amazing. Today my boe boe is back! I get to see him!!!! I love this!