hold on tight

I'm not exactly sure what to type. For some reason things are really touchy with me right now. My mother is making me feel like shit. I don't know where to even begin. I'm just tired of alot of things. I feel i'm not doing much with my life. Like I need to be doing more. Making more art. I think this but I never really do anything about it. I think the thing that I'm most sick about is my health stuff. I always have pain going on. It really sucks. Like to the point where I can't even describe it. Right now im just stairing at my blank walls wondering, hoping that I become someone I remotely like. I want to like who I am as a person. Its hard living your life annoyed with yourself. where should we be from now? I don't even know. This is where I am and this is where I've been.....with myself. Not liking who I am. I mean don't get me wrong. I really appreciate the people that love me. Especailly Nick. He really is the reason I smile. I know this is probably really emo. I don't mean to be. I'm just thinking right now. If the people I love are reading this...I just want to say this isn't' about you. You mean the world to me! And I wouldn't ever change a thing with any of you. Especially Lucy and Nick. You two are my life. I love you more than words could ever describe and mean....the way I feel about you are too depthful. It's too strong to ever try to explain....ecpecially you nick.


Anyway I was watching these tapes that I found yesturday...from 7th grade. I was pretty god damn ugly. I don't really know how I lived with myself....looking the way I did. Ehhh then again i will probably say the same thing in a couple of years when i see tapes of me now.

here I am....looking for something I've never seen.....i'm not really sure